Unusual Funeral

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her

morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession

approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long

black hearse about 50 feet behind the

first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary

woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance

back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully

approached the woman walking the dog and said,

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a

bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.

Whose

funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was

trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Anxious pregnant woman

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. 

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

McDonald’s application form

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald’s in Florida… and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!


NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Annoying things to do on an elevator

1) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.


2) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.


3) MEOW occasionally.


4) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly


5) SAY -DING at each floor.


6) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.


7) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."


8) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."


9) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.


10) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"


11) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it


12.) talk on your cell phone in a Jersey Accent

100 hundred

Wife: Why are you late?
Hubby: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Wife: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Hubby: No. I was standing on it

Funny Story

Boy: Marry me?
Girl: Do you have a house?
Boy: No..
Girl: Do you have a BMW car?
Boy: No..
Girl: How much is your salary?
Boy: No salary.. but.
Girl: No but. You have nothing. How can I marry you? Just leave me, please!!
.
.
.
.
.




Boy: *talking to himself* I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2 Porsche.. Why I still need to buy BMW?! How can I get the salary when actually I'm the BOSS?

Funny Story Part II

A man found a genie who granted him 3 wishes. 

Genie was told to provide all things he lacked. 

Genie found that he had no water so he gave him water. 

Genie saw that he had no money, so he was given a bank. 

Genie then saw that he had no problem, genie gave him a wife. :D

Now this is what you call FB Addiction

Teacher:  What will you do after growing up?

Student:  Facebook'ing

Teacher:  NO! I mean what will you BECOME?

Student:  Admin of facebook pages ;)

Teacher:  OMG! I MEAN wat will you ACHIEVE after you grow up?

Student:  Facebook Admin Rights

Teacher:  IDIOT! I MEAN what will you do for your PARENTS?

Student:  I create a page for them on facebooK. 'I Love MOM & DAD'

Teacher:  Stupid! What do your parents want from YOU?

Student:  My facebook password!

Teacher:  Oh God! What IS THE PURPOSE OF YOUR LIFE?

Student:  Facebook but never face your books! :D

Who's the idiot now?

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. 

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

 "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?!" inquired the teacher with a sneer. 

"Well actually I don't," said the student, 

"but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

Actual Answering Machine Messages.

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2. This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name and your number and your reason for calling...and I'll think about returning your call.
3. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is john's refrigerator. Speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
4. Hi. Now YOU say something.
5. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, its you.
6. Hello!If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner.

Unlucky Boyfriend

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

15 THINGS TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS THINK YOU'RE INSANE

1. Follow them around the house everywhere.
2. Moo when they say your name.
3. Run into walls.
4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.
5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine
6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"
7. Wear a sticker that says, "I'm a retard"
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time.
9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!
10. Do what they actually tell you.
11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly.
12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people.
13. At everything they say yell, Liar.
14. Try to swim in the floor.
15. Tap on their door all night.

A Letter to Mom

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Maria

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! 

Call when it is safe for me to come home.